Friday, November 30, 2007

Faith….its seepage!

Recently in a heated discussion from a friend…. I was accused of mah atheistic belief being influenced by somebody.
Now I accept the fact hat many pl opinions and some of mine even are influenced by somebody. But in a way I am proud that the origin of mah thoughts on faith was uninfluenced but inspired! So I am posting this to let every one know the thought process that involved mah awakening!

I guess I was in the 8th or 9th when I had come for mah annual visit to India. We were doing our usual pilmigrages to temples. That entire day I noticed the amount of money we put in the donation boxes…and that was highlighted more when I noticed the amount of ppl begging outside. A simple question entered m mind.

Why don’t we just give the donation money to them!?

This particular thought started an entire train og thoughts on whats the use of depositing money.
I asked..if I believed why we need temples …or why we need to pay a lotta money to pay for all these ppl related to temple!

Soon these questions lead t o me questioning my own faith and how much I did believe in god!. Then I asked the next question that really broke grounds!

Would going to temple when u don’t entirely in agreement with the principles of ones religion being hypocritical?


If I did go with these doubts and belief be actually be doing something against god!!

Well I then asked cud I ask this question with out going against god!!?
Answer was..i cant…the dogma of religion expects blind faith…..
The catch 22 which I wasn’t ready to fall for!!

So as the thoughts progressed… the question slowly led to if there was god…etc etc!!

Till one day I realized …I didn’t anymore believe in god!

I approached m folks with this revelation. Now I have o give credit to them for not freaking out and not try to force the concept down my throat!
The decided to talk to me and try to convince me. I guess they thought I was in a phase and I might move out of it.

Well I didnt..i any thing I read more about it…observed more.. thought more.. became more convinced!! I also later discovered the word atheist describing me.

So mah thoughts on atheism was born with in me thank introduced by any one else….
Later on the I admit cud have been supplemented by other stuff.!

But the original sin of questioning was mine.

And I am proud of that!!


i am so scared and i am running.
i am so scared and i am leaving.

but where?

where am i running to?
where am i leaving for?

i am clueless....
i am so fucking clueless!

i am clueless....
i am so fucking clueless!

why oh why am i so?
why oh why am i so?

i am so confused and i am searching...
i am so confused and i am looking!

but what?

what am i searching for?
what am i looking for?

i am clueless....
i am so fucking clueless!

i am clueless....
i am so fucking clueless!

why oh why am i so?
why oh why am i so?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dreams not remembered

Ever had dreams that u cant remember…
I always had them only…..dreams…beautiful, bad , scary, bizarre…all the works…
All the dreams of all variety..Unable to remember.

Very night after a fitful fluttering of eyes…one falls asleep
I know that I have had dreamt dreams while asleep..

But remember them I do not.
Why I don’t I know not.

Leads me to ask others…
If they remember theirs!

Yes …of course…duh….
They all answer..

No ….course not….huh?
wud be mah answer!

So I try not to sleep…
no matter how much I love to sleep!.

In the end that plan fails ..
As I end sleeping dreamless sleeps after all..

Dreams ….what use they to u. .if u cant remember them.
Only kinda dreams I have are day dreams….who wants them!

Dreams …am I better with or without them

Saturday, November 24, 2007

single man .....not looking anymore


Ever since I turned 18 and reaslised that I am single and lonely, I had been on the look out for a girl. A good year following this realization, I soul searched with in myself trying o figure out what kinda girl I would like. When mah standards were laid down I could see that finding one who fit the bill would be rather difficult in mah near bouts. But I didn’t lose hope and decided to continue mah quest.
During these periods besides gaining a reputation as a flirt..(Though no one can give good definition of that) ….i had few near hits. I wouldn’t even call them near hits considering the fact that they never took off. But hope still remained and I trudged along.

For 4 years I continued this quest. During that period I have realized this oxymoronic situation existed in my case. Girls I was not attracted to….considered me a nice, funny and good friendly guy. On the other hand, gals I indeed were attracted to ended up thinking I was one with an attitude…shit…asshole….immature ..etc and so many more not so nice stuff.
I just could be too hard on myself. I aint that sure. It is all in perspective when u look at it. For just for name sake of being hooked, I could have been so long ago. I aint that bad a looking guy, so there is no reason why not. But to do so I would be compromising on certain things I was looking in a girl and would be subduing certain traits about myself.
I didn’t do any of this! To compromise on the girl wud be being false to myself and unfair on the girl I compromise for. To change mah traits wud be wrong to mayself..cos these are the traits that define me as an individual and repel most gals away...sad as it may seem. I aint just a guy who was looking for a void to stick mah phallus in (though up there at list of priorities). At the expense of sounding crude and romantic at the same time, I want someone I wud love just to talk to between the times we were doing it. Suffice to say I was still single.
Soon the state of affairs made me dwell moe deeply and ask a question…..why?
A friends…,a gal at that, once suggested that it was because I am guy who is an open book or appeared to be so. This lack of mystery in me, I am told it aint that great a trait especially combined with a frank attitude. Ask me about anything….i would tell what I do think about it. Ask me about myself.. I would easily tell u what’s what. Then to top it all….in keeping with essence of that attitude I too ask lot of questions. In the end I appear as a guy moving very fast. What can I say... I am a full throttle guy running purely on enthusiasm and energy trying to make the rest of me match my brain. Thus my natural exuberant wild nature many a times came across to many females as…..for lack of better word….idiotic!!!
An amusing situation as a perfect example would be when a gal who after getting to be comfortable with me a little more admitted that when he friends and her initially interacted with me, their initial impression of me was that I was a ‘dumbo’.. (her exact words). Of course she admitted over a period of month she had changed her opinion to…’ he is okay!!’ Not much but definitely better than ‘dumbo’. This story just amused me and made me more resolved to be just myself because I like what I am.
So many such personal quirks and eccentricities of mine have come in the way of a soul mate. But I rather have a gal out there who wud love me for these eccentricities and identify with it……sign……hopefully!!

Now I am 22. finished college and out in the rat race and living off mah on sweat. It has brought me to the city of Mumbai. A city whose charms are enchanting and still a lt more waiting to be discovered. Considering the variety of people that resides in this city the possibility of me just finding a gal is more unlike mah college which was situated in a back country far away from civilization location known as Calicut. But now I aint looking anymore. At lest not trying to look or keep it in the top priorities. I have decide not revolve mah activities around this any more.

Why so u may ask??

I am indeed lonelier than ever. But from many talks with many friends who seems to have found their soul mates have constantly said the same point….

Love cometh when u not looking!!

So I have decided to give this oxymoronic theory a shot. I have decided to live mah life not revolving around the purpose of meeting any gals. I am going to coaching classes….not to meet gals but to train myself. I am going to clubs….not to meet babes but to dance mah heart out. I am going to pubs…not to meet babes but to have a nice drink and listen to good music. I go to plays and shws…not to meet he babes but to satisfy mah artsy input and needs.
This plan I realize has more chances of success.
Since I aint looking. I aint talking.
Since I aint talking…I aint volunteering anything about me or asking too much back.
Since I aint doing those….i appear more mysterious.
See… it can work. Also since I am already doing things I am enthusiastic about…the babes coming at theses places are those who probably wud share similar interest. So I don’t have to worry about appearing over enthusiastic or exuberant. I would just appear as a guy deeply involved in what’s going on. Of course I am still horny as ever. But shall manage as always.

So hre I declare in this public world of the web…here is a single man not looking anymore for anyone…….
so he may at last have some chance for finding someone.


If any gals interested after reading this…do give a buzz….i aint expecting it…but are free to buzz!!!

The power of concentration and focus has much been something vaunted and idolized on about. I do not deny these qualities importance or preference. They are important in success, direction about life etc!!
But I choose to talk about day dreams!
When I say day dream, it is about zoning out everything else around you and letting ur mind free and wonder. I personally have got this down to an art. I mean it aint advisable to daydream at work if u can’t carry it off with out any one noticing. But I have the ability to just zone out with out an one realizing…I wud be miles away and u wud be thinking I am thinking bout what u said or concentrating on something else.
The down side is that mah daydream systems are automatic and wud be active when I am slightly bored. So if a guy explaining how to do some life saving procedure and is slightly boring……I wud then automatically be miles way playing the sx on a beach with mah dog around and a babe in bikini is coming out of the water and wants an oil rub and me the only guy around etc etc…….

See I went off again in mah own dream world!

Many people have many positions of daydreaming. May it be walking, standing; sitting etc. the challenge is to always have an awareness of things happening outside ur daydreams. I always move around with a vague awareness. I need that cos…I do most of mah daydreaming walking and u have to have some awareness in consideration of ones health.

Daydreaming at times is about conversations with oneself. It wud be about self reflection and contemplation leading to soul searching, sudden realizations etc. these realizations could be abut oneself, others or some other miscellaneous things like…why did the chicken cross the road?

Most of my daydreams involve me being a great martial artist and weaponry guy invoking vengeance on all the terrorists of this world a k a Indian James bond!
Some others meanwhile involve romantic endeavors with mah non existent girlfriends. Of course the faces of all girlfriends are still blank in mah dreams or substituted by hot babe actresses. But that said the most favorite of mah daydreams wud be of me being a hot shot business guy with the first daydream as mah past and the second as mah future.

Now all mah day dreams are much planned to details. So well that in the initial type of daydreams I wud have decided the type and make of the gun I am using and the tactics and strategy I wud use against the terrorist’s. I wud have decide the name of all mah characters and their special quirks and the dialogues in that scene of mah daydreams.

Now all I have to do is put this on paper with a story line and make it into a movie.

Speaking of which…I too have daydreams about me making movies of mah daydreams!!... Coincidence??????

Friday, November 23, 2007

time spend alone!!!

Time spent alone!

What kind of life does a guy have if the most contemplative time he had is on his own! but wait u wud say….doesn’t everybody!?

To which I say.. Hell yeah!!…
but at times some ppl had some things told to them! For 20 years of my life that’s not so the case……people have told me things that I had vague suspicion about myself. But that’s not like the “hit in ur gut epiphanies’ one get…like I do when I think on mah own.

Today I had spent the entire time on mah own…watching T.V ,drinking,….chomping on food…reliving pressure that a horny young man holds up!
Especially horny young man who never got laid yet!...
In that sense when u consider what I was contemplating about most…it wud be about how to get laid and why I aint laid yet!
Now that aint something nice to think about cos it really lowers ur mood! putting that aside!

So today as I got up rather late …the day started with me contemplating how to spent the day….well I decided to fuck planning and just lounge away the day infront of T.V and the charms of orkut!
So I spend the entire d in a boxer short in front of the T.V and and talking to ppl over the net.
Many of you may be thinking at this moment…. ’boxer shorts’?
And well then there wud be some of u thinking ….. boxer shorts…nice!!
Yes for those who may not know…there are certain freedom walking around in ur skivvies….a feel of swinging freedom…pun entirely intended!!

Ok …in a side point….ppl always claim the T.V as the idiot box…claim unfair stuff about it. .
I feel I should defend it. i spend a lot of my time in front of it…and most of my deep reckoning about stuff of life in general has been in front of it!.

Now u may ask why I need a T. v to be pensive or think. Some times a direction of thought can be lead by that good’ ole tube..!
Besides these charms of the T.V …it is very informative on an matters if u care to learn.
It makes u a critic. You decide what kinda shows are good or bad!
You can judge or get an idea of a person by what he sees.

Enough defending for now!

So as I crash on the couch thinking ….i think about the future what I wanna do….and in thtat train the thoughts go drifting………..and drifting …..drifting

Oh wait. .i think I was daydreaming….no umm…thinking!!!!
Now daydreaming….that’s something else to talk about!!