Being alone and drifting

 I have realised due to various circumstances and personal nature, I am going to be mostly alone.

To have some good friends , I need to be my own best friend. Trouble is right now my best friend (me) tends to be my most unforgiving critic! He prActically calls me a loser.

I am coming to be comfortable with that.  I am becoming a drifter. I am aimless and vision less

Learning to be alone in all sense of the word.

Slowly I am turning into cynical sensitive drifter who is scared to feel anything for anyone. Scared that when people get close and see your stripped away pysche they don't wanna be part of that.

The only way I can deal with being alone is to travel and meet new people. It's a rather ironical solution. Makes scores of new people and yet will always be alone. 


Thus I be a drifter!!

A City too easy to run into!!!

I have been living in Cardiff for a year and half now. It’s a small sweet city with a lot of fun packed with in it. People who love Cardiff says one of its greatest appeals is that it’s a small city.

I have to agree that its small size is very good. Especially for a student who has no means of transport and is too much of the stingy guy to travel by the public transport. I can walk around easily to different parts in this city.

But this city’s size is also its bane. Having one main shopping and central area in the city, means you may run into people you know. This is ok when you are in a good sociable mood. Then it’s a pleasant surprise, few words are exchanged and then you slowly move on. You find the moments fleeting and lovely.

But when you are not in the sociable mood, it becomes a pain. You are walking along thinking of various things that bothering you that day, many usually on a given day, and then you bump in to someone you know.

This individual is usually is someone you get along well with and enjoy the conversation with but at this moment, he/she is the most irritating person for you. (To all potential people I will meet on the street... please, it’s not you, it’s me.... I am the weird one). At such moments your mind is racing to think of reasons why you need to rush away and be somewhere else. These moments are anything but fleeting. They are long and as lovely as a prickly cactus thrown in your face. (Yes I did think a bit for that comparison)

So dear friends.... I like reiterate... it’s not you...it’s me!

Anyone else has interesting observations on the size of this city?

DECADES

In this year 2010 I turn 25 and I feel like contemplating the past 2 decades of my life and what I hope is the next one.

The first decade of 1991- 2000 would be decade of my childhood. It’s a decade where life main worries were rather simple and easily resolved. You were mostly without worries and full of play. This was a decade where I mostly spend in the country of UAE. Frankly most of the main ambition during this time for me was about how well I scored in my exams. I was a bit of a nerd.

The second decade of 2001 – 2010 is about growing up.. It is about maturing from adolescence into a man. It was mostly a decade where you learned to step away from your parents control and safety and face the world on your own two feet. It’s the time of deepest of most conflicting emotions and confusions coupled with absolute inexperience and ignorance on how to deal with them.

It was in this decade I started to become really interested in females and the birds and the bees and slowly becoming aware of them. It was a subject I was rather obsessed about and I ‘researched’ a lot on it. There were many other interesting worries that troubled me during this decade. But the most preoccupying topic that concerned me was “what do I want to do and become?”. It was definitely a topic that worried me a lot. Being in the Indian educational system, I followed the formulas and supposition and became an engineer. The basic assumptions where that if you did great in 10^th, you should take science in 11^th and 12^th. From there on your only choice is to be an engineer or doctor. Since I never had much of liking for biology I went on to become an engineer – a mechanical engineer at that since I liked planes (go figure).

And I worked in an automobile company. But I didn’t do any work connected to my stream. I was involved in internal communications and change management.

After 2 years working there, I am now going to go for my higher studies. But a course in film producing and I now believe I think I finally found the field I want to make a career out of.

That was what this decade was about. It was about maturing, self realization (the basic stuff) etc. This was also the decade where I spend the most time in India.

I now look at the next decade as the decade of anchoring. It will be the decade where I make the foundation and the direction of my career. It would be the decade where I finally figure out the kind of partner I am looking for and settling down with her (hopefully) and I hope this would be the decade where I finally find a place I want to settle down. I have also decided to try to have the maximum of experience in this decade and to be more risk taking. It took me the last decade to realize that lie is about all these little experiences and I intend to use the coming decade to rack up a lot of it, including travelling to more countries. I start by doing my course in UK.

So here is to the next decade. I look forward to it with great optimism (a lil concern). I hope it will be the same for others

KERALA DIARIES: Hitchhiking

One of the more interesting activities I do while I am in kerala is hitchhiking. I only do this for short distance say from the town to my village etc. This saves money and unnecessary time wasted waiting for a bus and autos here are swindling in their rates. so here are few rules and conditions to enjoy this.

Rule 1: only ask for hitchhike from a 2 wheeler.

This is because in the off the chance the person offering the ride has nefarious purpose, he cant do much while he is riding the bike and the intended victim is sitting behind him and can do more damage or harm to him than vice versa. So in such cases the danger is to the driver. This is of course not an invitation to you all to do something to the poor soul who gave you a ride. Besides this advantage, a bike is something you can also disembark easier from than car in case of trouble (easy to do if you have practice ). Also riding pillion on a bike allows you to enjoy the scenery more.

Another added advantage is also the fact that since the driver is facing forward and you are behind him, there is less possibility of intrusive conversations taking place. (since most people need to see each other while having conversations)
Also in the event of the driver just leading you off in the wrong way and at a high speed, you can easily from behind him, reach and apply the brakes. He can’t do much since he is concentrating on the driving.

So only ask for a lift from a 2 wheeler

Rule 2: know your path somewhat

This is simply because when somebody stops and ask where you wanna go, you should not pass off the impression that you have no idea of the route and the location. A sound knowledge besides preventing scorn would also discourage any potential kidnappers.

Rule 3: always have a back up plan

This usually involve the presence of a normal transport bus that may be plying on the way or an auto. But admittedly, I myself have hitchhiked a lot of time where neither of this were available.

Condition 1: be ready to walk in case no rides
This is the basic premise. You may not get a ride and you should be ready to walk out the few kilometers you were hoping to get a ride. So its best to carry along something to drink and music.

Condition 2: only do it when you have time.
If you don’t, you are desperate and you make mistakes and end up taking the wrong ride with the wrong person.

Condition 3: be ready to do tandem hitchhikes’
You may not get the lift all the way, so you may have to take one half way and another rest of the way. It may even take 3 lifts. I say all the more fun.


So with these rules and conditions in mind, I wish you all happy hitchhiking.

KERALA DIARIES: On my way to Cochin

Early morning I got up and decided to go to Cochin to get some work done. During the bus ride to Cochin, one passenger in the bus started making an issue about the price of the ticket.

His argument was that the ticket was overpriced by ‘2’ rupees and the justification offered by the bus conductor that the price was more since it was limited stop fast passenger bus doesn’t hold. Now I am not sure about the strength or validity of his argument or the bus conductors, but I believe once you made your point no need to repeat it. But this passenger was constantly grumbling about the ‘injustice’ by the ‘money squeezing’ bus devils against common folks. The fact that his constant badgering of the bus people was irritating other common folks around him doesn’t seem to bother him. Rather I think their so called ‘apathy’ was infuriating him.

Another thing I never get about these constant whiners – if he doesn’t like the service of the bus why does he choose to continue traveling in the bus. He can always disembark and take a much non greedy bus folks. I guess he felt it was his solemn duty to grumble in face of such ‘injustice’.

I guess there was some benefit of his whining. The conductor decided to give him back his all so precious 2 rupees. But at this point the rupees had become a symbol of oppression, because he didn’t stop even after then. He just continued to grumble and even more fervently in my opinion.

In the end it was one of the common folk fellow passenger who got bugged and told him to shut up. But oh my!! That fellow became a conspirator to the bus folks. This made our fellow passenger bugged and no uncertain terms made it clear that fellow ought to shut up or else.

I couldn’t of course catch the or else part as my stop arrived. But the entire experience reinforced one of my many observations – never a dull moment in public transportation.

KERALA DAIRIES: The need to chat!!

It has been two weeks since i am back in Kerala - My home state.

Most of the time i spend cooped up in my own house, happily involved in doing stuff that requires minimum interaction with people.

But when i do have interactions, there are times with it is taxing, embarrassing, irritating etc. Though once in a while there can be situations when it is amusing.

Couple of days ago,I was returning from a trip into town and i decided to have the bike of mine washed at a service station.

As it was being serviced, i had to wait.

The owner of the establishment meantime decided to strike up a conversation with me.

In that half an hour of waiting he basically coaxed out of me, where is my village, where i worked, how long i worked there.

Once he learned i was in mumbai, he commented on his few years in mumbai and how a fast life it is over there.

This is an instance of a taxing conversation. I did not want to talk. I was happy watching wash the bike.

But the amusing instance comes next.

Post the washing, i took the bike and headed to fill it up with petrol.

Situation is , i was having a slight diffculty in balancing a bottle of coke i was having while riding the bike, so when i coasted to a stop at the pump, the coke bottle fell down. the lady at the pump with a laugh handed it back to me.

As i was struggling to open the fuel cap with the key, the lady attending started telling a story of a drunk customer who too seemed to have a difficulty opening his cap.

She went on to comment on how scared she was and how she is scared of drunks and mad people.

All this while i was under the assumption, she was talking to her fellow employees but when i looked up , i realized she was talking with me.

I couldn't understand ,if in that nano second of returning back my bottle we had made some connection and she felt the need to tell me her phobias of drunk and mentally ill people.

As i drove away from the pump i realized, it wasn't a connection. she was just using the story to get me to open fast the damn cap i was struggling with and that i was acting like a drunk.

Coming to think of it, she might have probably thought, the bottle of coke was actually booze.

(a trick used by booze loving expatriates in gulf countries)

Needless to say , i have decided to use such encounters to see the amusing side of peoples need to interact

CARE FREE

I am now at a point in my life,

were everything would lead to strife.

I have to now choose,

if i ever want to be loose.

I am so scared of the decision,

never free of the tension.

I want to be free,

to live life carefree.